freedom is the freedom to choose whose slave you want to be.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Getting there

Where do all my beautiful incoherent thoughts from right before the moment I fall asleep go?

The liability of newness

Thawing clarification like a slowly spreading unidentified burning between my fingers until it's known as the sting from the green chillies cut three hours ago. Things are only ever clear in retrospect.

The clean warm marble squeaks under my bare feet late at night when I walk to and from the kitchen wondering why the day won’t start. 3 a.m is a lonely time.

The wind is crazy there is dust in my eyes the streets are deserted and inside I find a thank you note and nobody knows how thankful I was to be there, immersed in three text books speaking, being heard, changing opinions and forming ideas. Clouds clearing and clarification dawning in eyes heads nodding hands writing and I, learning myself most of all.

Faiqa is in Islamic and I am in a constant state of panic on the wrong side of worried my heart isn't beating right and what do I do with this helplessness this rush of love this extreme hatred for examiners and why why why does she have to do this how dare you doubt her intelligence? She hibernates, I live with my heart in my mouth from three p.m to nine a.m the next morning and why won't she wake up and why won't she tell me and why couldn't I have been a lawyer or taken her exam for her.


God this extreme distraction this skinlessshapelessfacelessness is left as I successfully break all addictions slow and steady over one year. Only I am left when tv music reading writing sleeping and people are gone. I don't wait for the radio in the morning and don't wait for my phone to ring when I fall asleep with it on my stomach and I don't wait to be asked how I am. It's a little more dead, a little less interesting, a little more quiet and the bubbles fizzled out a while ago but isn't s t a b i l i t y what we craved for the longest time?

To perfection

White edged with red eyes wide open hair across forehead I smile and I walk and my feet just might be screaming inaudibly but accomplishment is the only legal high I am aware of. GRE-ing and happy, people sitting up as I clear my throat and start, are you just breaking out their eyes are asking their smiles and nods approving as I fumble and learn and over food I am a person I can be a force just give me some time. I catch myself in mirrors young and hopeful and trying and slowly, very slowly, getting there.


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